Rain Clouds and Sky Juice
by joolay
Summary: This angst also has a humorous twist to it, if you like sick twister humor. The second chapter is when everything starts going downhill. Hermione is gothic.
1. Never trust a hemroid

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, that would be J.K Rowling's doing. I do however own all the ideas for this fan fic. Muah ha. Ahem.  
  
It is Harry's sixth year at Hogwarts. Even after five years, nothing has really changed. Voldemort is still an evil homicidal killer with no friends, and Hermione still has awfully horrid bushy hair. Nevertheless, read of their adventures at Hogwarts. Perhaps something exciting may happen for once.  
  
[ Setting: The Hogwarts Express. Time: 10 A.M ]  
  
_Harry finds a seat in an empty compartment and places his luggage lovingly at his side. Hedwig, in her cage, hoots happily .  
_  
**HARRY**- Shut up you horrible pigeon. Or I'll paint your beak with Hermione's nail polish again.  
  
_Hedwig looks FRIGHTENED_  
  
**RON**- Ahoy there, Harry! Long time no see. I didn't see you board.  
  
**HARRY**- Er, hello Ron. I just got on the train actually. Here, have a seat.  
  
_Harry makes room for his lovable friend_  
  
**RON**- Bloody hell- I sat on something!  
  
**HARRY**- Dag-nabit, Ron! That was Hermione's favorite polish!  
  
_Hedwig lets out a hoot of relief_  
  
**RON**- It looks like I pooped out a rainbow. It's all over my pants!  
  
**HARRY**- Don't tell Hermione about the accident. Here she comes.  
  
_A bushy head pokes inside of the compartment_  
  
**HERMIONE**- There you two are! I've been looking for you everywhere! Perfect timing that I found you, I suppose. The train's about to leave. May I join you?  
  
_She doesn't wait for an answer and shoves Harry over, practically sitting on his lap_  
  
**HERMIONE**- Ron! What is that horrid smell! And what is that all over your trousers?  
  
**RON**- Um....Well would you look at that! Where did all this mess come from?  
  
_He acts surprised and feigns several gasps_  
  
**HERMIONE**- Well it looks like you crapped out a rainbow. Clean it up immediately. Change your pants.  
  
**RON**- But Hermione! I haven't another pair!  
  
**HERMIONE**- I have a skirt you can wear. It's better to wear a skirt than to look like you sat on a creature from Dr.Seuss.   
  
_She digs around in her luggage. Harry clears his throat and begins to make conversation_  
  
**HARRY**- Is anyone nervous about the upcoming year? Since Voldemort has shown up every year that we have been here, it's highly inevitable that he'll show his sorry face again. Are we ready to defeat him once and for all?  
  
**RON**- If we defeat him this year..what will happen in the seventh book?  
  
**HARRY**- What..?  
  
**RON**- Maybe it will be all about me, Ron Weasley. It will follow me through my life as I am growing up. Perhaps it may even begin the start of a whole series! I shall finally get the recognition I deserve!  
  
_Ron cackles madly, and the other two stare at him_  
  
**HERMIONE**- Are you on meds?   
  
_Ron ignores her and pokes himself in the stomach. It makes a "squeak" noise_  
  
**HARRY**- Let's get back on subject, shall we?  
  
**HERMIONE**- To answer your question, Harry, yes I agree with you that Voldemort is going to reveal himself again.  
  
**RON**- Ew. I hope not, that would be extremely icky.  
  
**HERMIONE**- I didn't mean that kind of revealing himself!  
  
**RON**- Oh. Phew.  
  
**HARRY**- Come to think of it, that would be kind of gross. But seriously, I don't think I'm ready to fight him this year. I just want to relax and be a celebrity without breaking a sweat!   
  
**HERMIONE**- Harry, being a hero means you actually have to get off your butt. You can't just sit on the couch all day eating cake and donuts gaining more weight by the second until you eventually get so big that we have to hire a forklift to scrape your filthy ass off the couch and carry you to the dump where my grandma lives!  
  
**RON**- Your grandma lives at the dump?  
  
**HARRY**- Ron, she was making a metaphor to show me that I can't be lazy this year. I don't know why she threw in the part about her grandma though.  
  
_There is a long pause.  
  
_**RON**- Who is the Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher this year?  
  
**HERMIONE**- Dumbledore.   
  
**RON**- That old fart couldn't win a match against a handi-capped kid in a wheel chair!  
  
**HERMIONE**- Sure he could. Dumbledore is in good shape for his age.  
  
_Meanwhile, back at the castle, Dumbledore is currently breaking his hip for the eight time this year  
_  
**HARRY**- I think it would be cool to have the Head Master as our Dark Arts Teacher.   
  
**RON**- You're only saying that because he favors you and makes you feel special.   
  
**HARRY**- Am not! I earned my place in his heart! I earned it fair and square!  
  
**RON**- Oh, so the oatmeal raison cookies you baked him the first year didn't help him along any?  
  
**HARRY**- No! I'll have you know the cookies were peanut butter!  
  
**HERMIONE**- Will you two please stop bickering! I feel like my head is going to explode!  
  
**RON**- Cool! Then there'd be little bits of Hermione everywhere!  
  
**HARRY**- I always liked confetti. I'm sure flesh-and hair-confetti would be just as nice.  
  
**HERMIONE**- Argh!   
  
[THIS SCENE IS CENSORED FOR MILD VIOLENCE AND MAY NOT BE SUTIBLE FOR CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF TEN.]  
  
**HERMIONE**- Phew. I better go clean the blood off my hands.  
  
_End of scene  
_  
Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed the first chapter. Don't worry, Ron and Harry are fine. Probably just a little shaken up. Please review, I'd highly appreciate it. gives out cyber hugs to everyone Oh yeah, the next chapter will be up soon!......xJuliex 


	2. Boo Yaw!

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry PotHead. If I did I'd be one rich gangsta, swimming in a pool of jello. Plus, I'd have some changes done to the story. I honestly think Harry should be gay. And a limp would be better than that unnoticeable scar on his head. Boo yaw! ( I got the Boo-yaw part from Mr.Deeds, one of my all time favorite movies of all times nest to Little Nicky. Fwuah. o.O )  
  
[ Setting: The Great Hall. Time: 12 in the afternoon. ]  
  
_The three friends head to the Great Hall after arriving at the school. They find some seats at the Gryfinddor table, and greet their fellow students.  
_  
**RON**- Oy, Neville! You look fit! Did you work out over the summer?  
  
**NEVILLE**- Not especially. My grandma and I went to Egypt and she left me there without food or water. I lost three-hundred pounds.  
  
**RON**- Hey Neville!  
  
**NEVILLE**- ...Hello. You already said hey to me.  
  
**RON**- You're looking fit. Did you work out over the summer?  
  
_Meanwhile _  
  
**HERMIONE**- Draco got glasses!  
  
**PANSY**- That's not what all he got.  
  
_Draco walks up to them, his new fake boobs wobbling_   
  
**PANSY**- You look sooo hot.   
  
**DRACO**- I know. My father got them for me for Kwanza.  
  
**HERMIONE**- You celebrate Kwanza..?  
  
**DRACO**- Where's Potter? I want to show him my new breasts. He has to see that they're bigger than his are! Muah ha ha!  
  
_He runs off, his boobs smacking him in the face_   
  
**HERMIONE**- Draco and Harry are always in competition of one another.  
  
_Someone clinks a glass with a spoon_   
  
**A GLASS**- Cling. Cling. Clang. I hate my life.  
  
**DUMBLEDORE**- Listen up, ass heads! I'm your new defense against the dark arts teacher!   
  
_He does the robot. Everyone cheers except for Draco_   
  
**DRACO**- You? My father auditioned for that spot. He's always wanted to be the DADA teacher. How come you made it and he didn't'?  
  
**DUMBLEDORE**- Because I'm prettier. Everyone, please take your seats. I'm going to go over everything that will happen this year with you all. Sit down. Sit DOWN!  
  
_Dumbledore shoves McGonnagal to her seat and slaps her across the face_   
  
**MC GONNAGAL**- I was taking my time, Albus. You didn't have to harm me.  
  
**DUMBLEDORE**- Okay everyone. This year we will have the Mister and Misses Hogwarts Pageant. You will all get to vote on the candidates in December. This spring, in a couple of weeks, if you are 17 or older, you get to audition for teacher assistants.  
  
**RON**- Hey! That sounds like fun! I've always wanted to teach little children and be called "Mr.Weasley!"  
  
**DRACO**- I pity whoever gets "Mr.Weasley" as their professor.  
  
**DUMBLEDORE**- With this program, those of you who want to become teachers when you get older, get the chance to see how it is done. You will be assigned to one of our teachers and you will sit in their class and observe, and even get some chances to teach on your own.  
  
**SNAPE**- That's right, Betty. Plus- you get to purchase wind-shield wipers at the Seven Eleven.  
  
**DUMBLEDORE**- Who's Betty? And they will do nothing of the sort, Professor Snape. Anyway, students, you may head to your dorms and unpack. Potter, I want to see you after the bell rings.  
  
_The bell rings_   
  
**HARRY**- You wanted to see me, Professor?  
  
_He approaches the Head Master_   
  
**DUMBLEDORE**- Yes. Harry, I think you should be one of the candidates for Mister Hogwarts. You're an excellent student, the seeker for our Quidditch team....Oh yeah- and you saved a life once or twice!  
  
**HARRY**- ( feeling proud ) Actually it was more like-  
  
**DUMBLEDORE**- Pudding?  
  
**HARRY**- Huh? What about it?  
  
**DUMBLEDORE**- Have some. As Mister Hogwarts, you simply MUST taste my newest invention! I'm going to enter it in the fair!  
  
**HARRY**- Um, sure. I'll try some.  
  
_Dumbledore gives Harry some and Harry sniffs it_   
  
**HARRY**- It smells like dookie, and it gives me the willies.  
  
_Dumbledore's eyes water. He takes off wailing at the top of his lungs   
_  
**HARRY**- Crap! I killed Dumbledore!  
  
**HERMIONE**- Actually, Harry, you just made him cry.  
  
**HARRY**- Where did you come from?  
  
**HERMIONE**- I was under the table listening to your conversation. But it was for your own good. I was afraid that Dumbledore might do something to you because he has been acting rather strange lately.  
  
**RON**- Everyone is acting odd. It's creepy.  
  
_There is silence_   
  
**HARRY AND HERMIONE**- Where did you come from?!?  
  
**RON**- My dad and mum did the nasty.  
  
**HARRY**- Um. That's nice. But did you see what happened?  
  
**RON**- Yeah. The Head Master tempted you with his pudding and you refused the offer. He ran off crying and now he is no longer the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher because he is in depression.  
  
**HERMIONE**- How do you know that last part?  
  
**RON**- News travels fast. I'm the queen of gossip. Tee hee!  
  
**HARRY**- But it only happened thirty seconds ago!  
  
_Ron walks away_   
  
**HERMIONE**- That was odd. Well, I'm gonna go unpack. And if it is true that the Head Master is in depression because of you, you need to go apologize. Boo yaw!  
  
**HARRY**- I will.  
  
_[ End of scene. ]_  
  
Author's note: Sorry this chapter was so weird. And it wasn't angst at all, but angst will start popping up later in the story. Oh, thanks to my Skittles friend who reviewed. I'm glad you liked the story. I honestly didn't think it'd get any reviews the first day it was up. hugs Skittles girl And thanks to Christie as well because you are awesome. You always review my retarded fics. Lol. purchases Christie a pretty yellow bonnet Ooh la la I'm sure you will look secksy in it. It matches your eyes. waves...xJuliex 


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